slap_the_butt | (no subject)

[It takes Rachel all of two seconds to get up and run after him, regret seeping into every single one of her bones almost instantly. There had to have been something she could have done to hold back her laughter; when else was she really going to get the chance to kiss Kurt Hummel, really? Weren't they supposed to be educators? Wasn't Artie supposed to be his friend? Wasn't... she?]

Kurt--

[She'd expected to have to search the school, choir room first, but he's not far, sitting out in the hallway about as broken up as she's ever seen him, and it's her fault. Dropping to her knees beside him, she grabs hold of his hand, swallowing hard as she tries to bite back the dampness that's suddenly threatening at her eyes.] Kurt, I'm so sorry. I-- I'm so sorry.

[He takes several deep breaths, wiping away more tears with his sleeve. He looks away as Rachel drops to her knees beside him and grabs his hand. He should have known someone would have found him like this eventually, but he hadn't wanted it to be someone who saw his humiliation, someone who knows. It takes him a moment before he's able to speak without sobbing.]

It's... it's fine. Can you go now? Please?

It's not fine. I-I wanted to. That's... not going to make you feel any better, I guess. I mean, they shouldn't have been laughing in the first place. It was horrible of them, and it was horrible of me, too! I don't even know what they thought was so funny. I thought you were amazing.

[Frowning, she sits down, her legs splayed out on one side of her as she watches him, hoping for some kind of positive reaction, anything.] I'm not going anywhere, Kurt.

Everyone laughed because I couldn't be taken seriously as a romantic lead or a lead at all. Everyone laughed because the idea of the flamboyant gay kid kissing a girl is apparently hilarious. [He sighs bitterly, still avoiding actually looking at Rachel.]

You don't have to stay with me, Rachel. I'm okay. [He's usually a lot better at lying about being okay, but this ache is new. This isn't about getting pushed around. This is about realizing he may have no future as an actor.]

Kurt, I wouldn't try so hard to help you with this if I didn't believe in you, and if I didn't believe that you would be the perfect Tony opposite my Maria. [Taking a deep breath, she bows her head, squeezing his hand.] I know it probably doesn't mean much, but... you had me convinced. I really wanted you to kiss me in there, Kurt. And then I got nervous-- but that wasn't your fault. That was me being stupid.

[Unfortunate as it is, this ache is one she knows too well. Hell, Kurt pulled her out of it just the other day.] You can keep saying that, but... I'm still not going to go anywhere. Especially not seeing as this is kind of my fault for being an idiot.

I wouldn't be the perfect Tony opposite your Maria, Rachel. I think that became pretty clear a little while ago. [He sniffles and takes a deep breath before looking at her.] Why did you get nervous. I thought you'd be in your element.

[He looks away, wishing there was some way he could just disappear. He hates feeling like this and he hates people seeing him when he's feeling like this.] It's not your fault, it's mine. For being stupid enough to think anyone would buy me as a romantic lead.

You're not supposed to want to kiss your romantic male lead, Kurt. [She just mumbles the words, frowning as she plays at the edge of her costume.]

I just picked you the wrong audition piece. Shakespeare's males are pretty much as gay as any character can get... look even if no one else believes in you, I do. And I don't want anyone else to play Tony opposite me. You're a fantastic actor, Kurt.

Edited 2011-10-15 18:31 (UTC)

[He frowns at her in confusion.] And you didn't want to kiss your male lead. You were playing a role. [Or trying to.]

You didn't pick the wrong audition piece, just the wrong person to perform it with. I appreciate that you believe in me, Rachel. I really do. But if no one else does, I really don't have a chance as a performer. There's no way they'll cast me as Tony.

Not completely, I wasn't. If I were just performing, I wouldn't have been nervous. [And this isn't a conversation that they should even be having right now.]

Artie... I can understand, but Ms. Pillsbury? Coach Beiste? They're educators, Kurt. Hey shouldn't have been laughing at you. You weren't the one fit for the part, here. They were. Good teachers don't laugh at you. They really should apologize.

Then I don't understand what the problem was. Why you were nervous. [At least talking about whatever her issue is distracts him from his own issues. At least for a few moments.]

I'm not interested in their apologies, even if they saw reason to give them. They made their opinions on me and my abilities quite clear.

I told you. You're not supposed to want to kiss your male lead, Kurt. [Bowing her head, she does her best to keep her expression out of sight, frowning. At this rate, he's never going to catch on, but then again, it's probably better this way.]

They weren't opinions on your abilities. They were opinions on a gay man playing a straight role. They thought of you as a caricature, not a person. This had nothing to do with your ability to... pretend to be straight.

[She takes a deep breath.] I might have an idea. Try, um, try saying your last line again and kissing me.

...You wanted to kiss me? [He looks and sounds skeptical, and also a little curious.]

But how am I ever going be taken seriously as an actor if no one ever sees me as anything but a caricature?

[He pauses and stares at her.] Wait, what? Why? It's a little late for that, don't you think?

We're not talking about this here, Kurt. I'm embarrassed enough as it is. [Not that he doesn't have more reason to be, but this appears to be... distracting? She sighs, unwilling to meet his eyes.]

Kurt, they just know you as the gay kid. The people you're going to be auditioning in front of in New York are only going to see you as someone who is amazing. And talented. And can play anyone. Convincingly.

Which is why you're going to take this opportunity for a do-over. Prove to both of us that you can be a convincing straight man. [She nods, determined.]

But I don't understand... [And if he chose to let it go for now and allow her to explain later, there's no way to know she actually would.]

But in order to go to New York, I'm going to need the credits to get into that school.

[He bites his bottom lip as he considers what she said.] Okay, I guess. It's not like I have much left to lose at this point anyway.

What don't you understand? [And she'll do her best to evade this forever and ever. Trust her on that one.]

Kurt, if you rock your audition, it's not going to matter if you made a musical or not. You spent so long in glee... doesn't that count for anything?

Right. [She nods, smiling at him encouragingly, no matter how defeatist that sounded.]

The wanting to kiss the male lead thing. It doesn't make any sense. [Which is frustrating because there's already enough things he doesn't understand without adding another.]

Compared to our competition? It doesn't count for nearly enough. You know that. That's why we started this to begin with.

[He takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling before reciting his lines. He still deepens his voice, but it's different this time; there's no one there to laugh at him, his nerves aren't getting to him, and as he leans in to kiss her, he thinks he might actually be able to get through it this time. It's feels different, more intimate, just like the scene should be.]

Of course it doesn't. That's why we probably shouldn't talk about it. [And promptly her attention returns to the fringe at the bottom of her costume, not willing to look him in the eyes as she says it.]

Kurt, you're going to blow them away. We don't have to only apply to NYADA, either. And I'm going to go wherever we both get in. I don't want to if it's only me.

[She holds her breath, biting her lip as she watches him perform. They should have practiced more, and they shouldn't have laughed at him. Even as she's watching him now-- he's worlds better, and there's no way she'll let this go without talking to Mr. Schue and maybe Coach Beiste and Ms. Pillsbury about the fact that Kurt deserved to do this again, that they shouldn't have laughed at him, ever. That it was unprofessional, and rude, and that he deserved an apology-- not just from her, but from everyone. But that wasn't the only thing that mattered about this scene, Rachel realizing for a moment that this was actually going to happen, just the two of them out in this hallway, that he was going to kiss her. Leaning in just slightly, she licked her lips, holding her breath once more as she anticipated his lips to meet hers.]

Why are you trying so hard to avoid talking about this? It's confusing. [He frowns as her attention drifts to her costume.]

We'll have the same kind of competition no matter where we apply to, Rachel. There's so many people out there just as talented as us and may have more credits than us.

[He kisses her with all the tenderness and passion that should have been there if they had been able to do this earlier. In this moment, he's Romeo and she's Juliet, and all the laughter and mocking in the world couldn't pull him out of this moment.]

We're not supposed to talk about this. It'd make you upset. [Firm in her resolution, she shakes her head, refusing to meet his gaze.]

Kurt, you are one of the most incredible people I know. I'd say that you'd charm them into believing that you'd be perfect for NYADA, but you don't have to. You're my only real competition going in there. We'll talk to Mr. Schue. Because let's face it, you weren't given a fair shot.

[For a moment, she forgets they exist, that they're doing this in the middle of a hallway at school, that it's supposed to just be a rehearsal, closing her eyes as her hand comes up to hover, then touch on his cheek, a soft whimper leaving her lips at the feeling.]

But I'm already upset. I don't see how it could get any worse. [He sighs, looking away for a moment.]

Do you really think talking to Mr. Schuester would make a difference? He'll probably just agree with Coach Beiste, Miss Pillsbury and Artie.

[He runs his hand up her arm and shoulder in a gentle caress, before resting it against the side of her face as he lets himself get pulled deeper in character until it's hard to remember that it's just acting. He deepens the kiss a little before finally taking his lips away from hers and slowly coming back to himself.]

Just... trust me. It would be bad.

Mr. Schue wouldn't just agree. People who pride themselves on being educators have no right to judge someone like that or make fun of them, Kurt!

[Another whimper escapes her when he pulls back, Rachel seeming almost stuck in the daydream that he's created for them both, unwilling to open her eyes and face the world for what it really is. With a soft, shuddered breath, her lids finally flutter open to look at him, a part of her sincerely wishing she could just lean in again and kiss him once more, swallowing hard as she breaks from his gaze to stare at the floor, fixated, her voice barely above a whisper.] That, um. Fooled me, Kurt.

Short of you dating Blaine again or sabotaging my chances of getting into NYADA, I don't see how whatever is up with you could possibly be worse than what just happened in there. [Gestures toward the auditorium.]

This is McKinley, Rachel. The things that would never fly anywhere else are perfectly acceptable here. Maybe Mr. Schuester will things differently, he always has, but this is his girlfriend and his friend.

[He watches her face as their lips part, and he's still so completely caught in the moment that he almost leans forward to capture her lips again. But then she looks away and starts speaking and he finally snaps out of it.] Um, so... that was okay?

It's worse. Just-- please don't make me say it, Kurt? Please? [Refusing to meet his gaze, she shakes her head, content to stare at the bland linoleum floor.]

I'm going to talk to him. That way it won't seem like you were hurt over nothing and just want to tattle. I'll talk to the principal if I have to. [And oh, she will.]

[A part of her had been hoping, so badly, that he'd be bad at this, that he'd be just terrible and that would be the end of her stupid crush on her gay best friend, but he wasn't, and she hates herself for the inconvenient, stupid fireworks going off in her chest at that kiss.] That was perfect.

Are you sure you're not worrying for nothing. You do have a habit of getting overdramtic. [He doesn't understand what could possibly be worse than the things he just said, but he's beginning to get a bit concerned.]

Okay, let's be real here, Rachel. Principal Figgins won't care. Or have you forgotten that he read out my name for prom queen?

[He bites his bottom lip as he watches her face, trying to read her expression. He's not entirely sure what he thinks about their... latest performance. It was better than the last one, no doubt about it, but something about it felt... different. He thinks he may have enjoyed the kiss a little too much.] I'm glad you think so. I was... a little worried it wouldn't be believable. I haven't exactly kissed a lot of people, so...

I'm not being over-dramatic, Kurt. This could tear apart our whole friendship. [Okay, so maybe she has a flair for the dramatics, but let's be honest. Disaster.]

I'll cite my dads and my connection to the ACLU. It's always worked before. I cry heteronormativity as a slur better than anyone.

Kurt, it was perfect. It's almost like you wanted to kiss me. [And maybe a hint of hopefulness creeps into her tone at that before she shakes her head. This does nothing but make it hurt more.]

(no subject)

ahhh!! <3333

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Sorry for disappearing most of yesterday. My daughter was having her b-day party.

!!! not a problem at all bb! how old is she? :D was it fun?

She just turned 11. It was a lot of fun. We went swimming and had a pizza party..

it sounds like it was fun!! :D is she your only child?

It was fun! Exhausting, but fun. And nope, she has a 12yr old brother too.

Oh god! They're only one year apart?! You poor thing!!

They drive me nuuuuts sometimes! Do you have any kids of your own?

I don't! I'm in grad school right now, so my boy and I have plenty on our plate without kids :3

Sorry I keep disappearing. I've had a pretty busy week. Things are finally slowing down now, though.

That's totally fine!! Take your time!! <333