(no subject)

[slap_the_butt]

[All in all, Kurt's relieved Thanksgiving is over. He enjoyed getting to spend that time with his family, but the truth is, all he's wanted to do lately is curl up on his bed and mope. The breakup wasn't just Blaine's idea. Kurt ultimately thought it was the best way to save their friendship too, and it ended up being a mutual decision. But it still hurts. He still feels raw and sad, and he doesn't think those feelings are going to go away for a while. There's still a part of him that wants to call Blaine up and ask to try again; Kurt ruined someone's life just so they'd have a chance to make their relationship work and this is how it ends?

But he doesn't call Blaine. He doesn't do much of anything once the holiday and Black Friday is over. He just lies in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, debating calling the girls so they can come over with comfort food. But he's not sure he's in the mood to explain things, and the room doesn't just belong to him anymore anyway, and he doesn't want to bother Older Kurt. In fact, between his recent breakup and the bizarre feelings he's been having around Older Kurt lately, he's not sure how to even look him in the eyes. Why does life have to be so complicated?] Why is this my life?

Comments

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[And it's around now that Kurt wishes the crush was on anyone else, because it would be nice to have someone to talk about this to. But it's not, an he can't talk to Older Kurt about this. He just can't. And now Older Kurt is sitting close to him, cupping his cheek, and he shouldn't have butterflies in his stomach right now, but he does.] Older, but not by too many years, and it's not a girl. I'm still gay.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know, I have to explore every option since you're apparently making this a guessing game. That's good, though. That it's not a girl. [He smiles a little at his younger self, shifting closer, still cupping his cheek - which isn't strictly necessary, but he can't really make himself pull away for some reason.] Is he in college? Does he live in Lima? He has to, right?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I'm not making this a guessing game. You're making it a guessing game. But I can't believe you thought it might be a girl. [He meets Older Kurt's eyes for the first time since they started talking about this. It might be a huge mistake, because he feels like all his thoughts and feelings are suddenly right there on display.] Not at the moment and yes, he currently lives in Lima.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Given how ashamed you seem to be about this whole thing, it could have been. [Kurt blinks a little once their eyes meet, having not expected Little Kurt to look that... He doesn't even know what he looks like. Bare? Vulnerable? Insecure? Incredibly, indescribably cute..? Wait, no, what is he thinking? He swallows a little.] So he's working? What does he do?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I--I'm not ashamed. It's just that I just got out of a relationship. It isn't right that I already have feelings for someone else. [He bites his bottom lip, his face growing even warmer than before.] Not yet. He's still adjusting to Lima. He sort of just got here not long ago. But he wants to be a performer, like me.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

You can't control how you feel. I know it makes it harder, but the fact that you were just in a relationship doesn't matter if what you feel is real.

[Kurt pauses then. This... This is starting to sound strangely familiar, and he's not sure how he feels about it. The blushing, the way he's biting his lip, what he's saying about this guy he likes... It sounds like...] Kurt... What's his name? You can tell me. I won't get upset, I promise you.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

What I feel is real, but it's also a pointless waste of time. They don't feel the same way and they never will because it's extremely inappropriate.

[Kurt feels like his heart just stopped beating. For a second there it sounds almost like Older Kurt figured it out. But maybe he's just imagining things. Maybe all he has to do is toss out another name and that will be the end of this.] Rory? He's... this foreign exchange student. But I think he has a crush on Finn, so it looks like I don't have a chance.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

How is having a crush on Rory inappropriate? [Kurt shifts even closer, making sure their eyes are locked. He feels like he shouldn't miss a second of this. Because if what he's thinking about is right, their situation might actually get easier before it gets more complicated. There's something in this for both of them. And it's not really that weird.]

Don't lie to me. Please.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

...Because he's probably going back to Ireland at some point? And he's totally in love with Finn right now. [Kurt's eyes widen, and he wants desperately to look away, but he can't. There's no way Older Kurt hasn't figured it out and Kurt isn't sure what he can do to convince him it's someone else now.]

I-- Okay, fine. It's not Rory, or Finn or Mr. Schue. But I can't tell you who it is because it really is inappropriate. Really, really inappropriate. And honestly? You really do not want to know, trust me on this.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[He's definitely figured it out. If he's as easy to read as he figured he'd be, Kurt's also sure that Little Kurt now knows that he knows. But he still refuses to say it out loud, maybe out of fear of rejection, out of shame, maybe because of his own moral issues because of Blaine and Mark and everything in between. But it's obvious. Kurt sighs softly.]

Fine. You don't have to tell me. [So he decides to do probably the stupidest thing he's ever done in his life, and leans in to line his lips with Little Kurt's in a soft, warm kiss. As second kisses go, it's not too bad.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt's thinking about trying to change the subject or maybe just grabbing the phone and texting Blaine before Older Kurt can stop him. But then Older Kurt tells him he doesn't have to tell him who it is and he relaxes, thinking the matter is finally over, but then there's lips covering his own and he's being kissed. He sits there, eyes still wide with shock as Older Kurt kisses him, and it takes a while but eventually his eyes drift shut and he kisses back.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Despite all the wild butterflies in his stomach, the prickling heat on his skin he feels every time he kisses someone, Kurt is incredibly nervous he's made a terrible mistake. That he's overstepped his boundaries and taken advantage of a younger, more vulnerable self because of a stupid, mostly selfish hunch. But then he starts kissing him back, slow and almost lazy, and Kurt breathes a sigh of relief through his nose, pressing further into the kiss. His lips are very soft. Now he knows what Blaine and Mark and every other man he's been with felt when kissing him. No wonder he was popular with men, judging from this feeling alone.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt wraps his arms around Older Kurt's neck, pressing closer to him as they kiss. It feels so good, so amazing, and Kurt pretty much melts into their kiss. Older Kurt is the second person he's kissed like this just because he wanted to, no ulterior motives and no worries about getting pushed into a locker. It's just them kissing because they want to, because it feels nice, because there's a connection between them. He can tell his heart is beating even harder and louder before and if he wasn't so focused on how warm Older Kurt's lips are on his own, he'd wonder if he's the only one who can hear it.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt is wondering much of the same thing. This is kind of insane. He's kissing himself. He's pressing closer to himself and kissing himself deeper and running his hands down his own chest, younger and unmarred and less defined, but still very much his own. And it's really, really good. His heart is throbbing in his chest, he's so nervous and kind of worried, but it feels incredible and he's not about to make it stop.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He deepens the kiss a little, moaning quietly as Older Kurt runs his hands down his chest. Older Kurt's hands feel different on him than Blaine's, more sure, confident, and it shows. Kurt's pretty sure he could spend forever like this, kissing his crush in his bedroom, on his bed with the door closed.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt's just happy that Little Kurt isn't pulling away, isn't pushing him away to berate him about going too fast, but rather melts into the kiss, moaning against his lips as his hands run down his chest, touching, feeling, stroking up and down to lure more of those noises from him. He starts pushing him back down onto the bed, wanting to feel him pressed fully against him, feel his body arching up into his, his legs spreading instinctively... They won't go far tonight, Kurt is pretty sure about that, and he doesn't expect it either. But they need some time to just feel each other like this. There's no turning back now.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt knows there's things they need to talk about. He knows there's a lot they'll probably have to discuss before the night ends, but it can all wait because he doesn't think he can do anything but what he's doing right now. Not when he's feeling like this. He lets Older Kurt push him down, his arms still wrapped around him tight, pulling him down with him. His legs immediately spread beneath him as his hands wander down his back. It feels so good, so perfect, getting to be with him like this.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Good, good, he's not freaking out yet, he's enjoying it still. Good. This makes Kurt's job a lot easier. He moans against Little Kurt's lips, pressing even tighter against his body, running his hands almost possessively up and down his sides. He feels great against him. As cute as him being a virgin is, and as much as he's going to respect it, it's already starting to become frustrating. Because he wants nothing more than to tear Little Kurt's clothes off and have his wicked way with him.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He's not sure how far he's willing to go just yet; he's so focused on how good it feels and how warm and firm Older Kurt's body is on top of him. He doesn't want this to end any time soon. This is the first time someone he's had a crush on actually responded positively so quickly. Finn never responded positively at all, and it took Blaine months to finally return his feelings. And okay, Kurt doesn't actually know how Older Kurt feels about him, but there must be something there if he's willing to do this with him, kissing him the way he is. He moans again, arching up a little as Older Kurt's hands run up and down his sides.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[He's responsive too. Kurt had almost been afraid Little Kurt would push him away as soon as he started getting handsy, but he's blowing him away right now. He can't help getting a little bit more bold with encouragement like this. Moaning hungrily against his lips, he starts pushing the younger one's shirt up his chest, thumbs caressing warm, pale skin. He's soft all over. God, he's happy he worked so hard on skincare growing up.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He gasps against Older Kurt's lips, trembling a little when he feels his thumbs caressing the bare skin of his chest. No one has ever touched him like this before, not even Blaine. He doesn't want Older Kurt to ever stop touching him now that he knows what it's like to feel like this, and it's not until Kurt realizes he's grown hard that he starts to remember why he's never allowed Blaine's hand to wander beneath his shirt when they kissed. He holds his hips still, hoping that maybe Older Kurt won't notice and they can just keep kissing without any embarrassing incidents.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt almost stops what he's doing when he hears him gasping, feels him trembling, until he realizes Little Kurt actually likes it. Really likes it. As much as he tries to hide it by keeping his hips still, it's not exactly hard to notice as it pokes into his thigh.

Smiling against his lips, Kurt pulls back with a sharp gasp for air, immediately dipping back in to start nibbling on his neck. His hands keep pushing at his shirt, roaming his bare palms over naked skin, touching him in a way he's not sure he's ever been touched before. And he likes it. This is incredible.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He almost protests when Older Kurt pulls back, but then his warm mouth is on his neck, nibbling, and he's never experienced anything this hot before. He's not sure he's ever been this turned on before, and there's a huge part of him that wants to let it go further, that wants to lose his virginity right here right now. But there's also a huge part of him that needs it to mean something. That needs it to be more than a one time thing with no feelings involved. So he doesn't push him away, but he doesn't start ripping off his clothes either. He just continues to enjoy what they're doing right now, and how nice it is to be touched like this.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt grabs the collar of Little Kurt's shirt - gently, of course, he doesn't want to ruin it - and pulls it aside, revealing enough skin for him to latch on to and suck greedily on. He wants to mark him, brand his neck with bright red and purple, let everyone know who he belongs to. And of course give him the opportunity to hide it with a shirt or a scarf, should he deem it necessary. He tastes so good. He feels so good as he grinds down against him with slow, firm rolls of his hips, letting Little Kurt know just how aroused he is by this as well, that he's not alone in feeling good. They've already gone further than Kurt expected they would. He'll just keep going then, until he's told to stop.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Oh god... [Kurt holds onto him tighter, grinding up as Older Kurt grinds down. He's never felt anything so good, so tempting as this before, and it's getting harder and harder to remember why they should ever stop. He thinks he'd be perfectly happy to spend all of his time doing this, night and day, every chance he gets. He knows at some point he'll have to put a stop to this, though. Unless he wants to lose his virginity in the most humiliating way possible and ruin his new pants.]