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[slap_the_butt]

[All in all, Kurt's relieved Thanksgiving is over. He enjoyed getting to spend that time with his family, but the truth is, all he's wanted to do lately is curl up on his bed and mope. The breakup wasn't just Blaine's idea. Kurt ultimately thought it was the best way to save their friendship too, and it ended up being a mutual decision. But it still hurts. He still feels raw and sad, and he doesn't think those feelings are going to go away for a while. There's still a part of him that wants to call Blaine up and ask to try again; Kurt ruined someone's life just so they'd have a chance to make their relationship work and this is how it ends?

But he doesn't call Blaine. He doesn't do much of anything once the holiday and Black Friday is over. He just lies in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, debating calling the girls so they can come over with comfort food. But he's not sure he's in the mood to explain things, and the room doesn't just belong to him anymore anyway, and he doesn't want to bother Older Kurt. In fact, between his recent breakup and the bizarre feelings he's been having around Older Kurt lately, he's not sure how to even look him in the eyes. Why does life have to be so complicated?] Why is this my life?

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[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt's been good about giving Little Kurt his space. No, they're not really the same people anymore, too much has changed for that to be the case, but fundamentally they are still the same. And his very first breakup had been tough on him. As much as Rachel and his other friends from school had tried to help, there was no comforting him at all. All he wanted was to curl up in a corner to rot and die or drink it all away, and given Little Kurt's view on copious underage drinking, the latter was probably not going to happen. So, space it is.

He's sitting at the vanity now, playing with some of the makeup he'd spent his Black Friday money on - Burt had been more than happy giving him a little something to spend, given that the money Kurt has on his account in the future doesn't even exist yet - trying to find some way to make him look more different from Little Kurt. To avoid all the questions. Bit of bronzer, some contouring, some highlighting... He glances over at his younger counterpart on the bed, giving him a sympathetic look in answer to his question.] Still thinking about it?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He glances over in Older Kurt's direction, sighing miserably.] It's all I've been thinking about.[He pauses.]

Do you think he's still thinking about it too? [Because surely he can't be over Kurt already. Maybe he should call him, see how he's doing. He won't, of course. They agreed to giving each other some space for a while so they could get used to being single again before learning to be just friends again. But it's still tempting.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

I absolutely think he's still thinking about it. And you're not calling him. That would be a terrible idea. [Because Kurt knows how they work. He wants to call, but he knows he shouldn't, but maybe one night, when everything is terrible and he's seen too many couples kissing and holding hands at school or in town, he might send just one text and the whole thing will just explode. Kurt's been there. It hadn't been pretty.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Why would it be a terrible idea? If I'm thinking about him and he's thinking about me, then maybe talking would make us feel better. Maybe we'd be able to talk things out and give our relationship a second chance. [None of which is going to happen. The whole point to the break up is to save their relationship. As friends. But that's not what Kurt wants to think about when he's feeling like this.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

You know why it's a terrible idea, Kurt. Believe me, you don't want the consequences of that right now. [Kurt knows that's not how Little Kurt wants to think about this at all. He knows he just wants Blaine, no matter what, that he misses him and wants to hear his voice, because it's familiar and safe and somewhere deep down, he'll never stop loving him. When Little Kurt's Blaine had first come to visit, to see him and ask his questions, Kurt had gotten honest to God butterflies in his stomach. But it's been over for a long time. Little Kurt just has to start learning the hard way.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I just-- want us to be okay again. I miss him. What if we stop talking for too long and then it's too late to be friends? [And isn't that the point to all this? To make sure they can still be best friends when all is said and done? The thought of losing that too makes his stomach churn in fear and dread, and he's pretty sure he'd do anything to prevent their friendship from ending too.]

I'll never have another friend like him again.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

It won't be too late. I know Blaine and I know you. Neither of you would allow that to happen. [He understands where the younger is coming from though. It's a legitimate fear to have, especially considering how young Little Kurt is and how recent his breakup is. There's a lot of things to worry about when the first breakup rolls around. At least Little Kurt gets to get them out of the way before he leaves Lima.]

I felt the exact same way.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I don't know, maybe. I don't think I'd allow something like that to happen, but I didn't think I'd allow this to happen either. The whole point was to save our relationship, but now look at us. [Nothing has gone as planned, and there's this fear deep inside that things will just get worse. There's always more to lose and his friendship with Blaine is still on the line, still in limbo.]

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love with anyone the way I did him either. [He's not sure he knows how to let himself and he's not sure he'll ever be ready to want to.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

That's right, you don't know. He was your first boyfriend, Kurt. I've been where you are now. I didn't think I'd ever be able to fall in love with anyone the way I did Blaine either.

[Because there's only so far his sympathy will stretch. Now he gets why Rachel couldn't stand to be around him for long after him and Blaine left each other. He's kind of a downer. Maybe a little tough love is exactly what he needs.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Did you? Did you ever love anyone the way you loved Blaine? [His mind goes to the boyfriend Older Kurt was forced to leave behind, but he doesn't say his name and doesn't ask about him directly, even though the question mostly applies to him.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

If you're asking about Mark, then yes. I love him like I loved Blaine. I get those same butterflies and that clenching in my chest that you get when you see Blaine. [And that's that. Kurt doesn't really want to talk about it anymore, because whenever Mark is brought up, he closes up and wants to curl up and die, much the same way Little Kurt is attempting to do right now.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Do you think you'll ever love like that again? [Because the way he lost Mark seems different, worse, and Kurt doesn't want to think he's destroyed Older Kurt's chance at love permanently. He doesn't want to have ruined it for him. If he has, then maybe this pain is exactly what he deserves. Maybe he doesn't deserve to have anyone either.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

I think I will. It's just going to take some time. [Kurt's going to turn back to the mirror now, turning his face back and forth, trying to find the right light while he picks up some more bronzer on his brush. He just can't find a look that's halfway alright. But he needs to keep focusing on it, because his throat is closing up and that painful lump is coming back.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

If you can do it, then I guess I can too. [But it still hurts to think about it. He was close to Blaine in a way he's not sure he can be with anyone else. Blaine wasn't just his boyfriend, he was his best friend too. He is his best friend. Maybe that's why it didn't work. If he had to choose between their relationship and their friendship... well, they already chose.]

Puck thinks I'll feel better if I go out and get laid. [He rolls his eyes.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Of course you can. It might just take a while. [It's going to hurt for a long time. Little Kurt isn't going to find any refuge in the thought that he'll find someone else, not until it stops hurting. And it might take months, even years before it really stops. Little Kurt's next statement kind of makes him snort a little with laughter, shaking his head at the thought.]

Puck is an asshole. [Although he'll readily admit that he'd feel much better if he went out and got laid himself. It's been way too long since he's had sex, and he's starting to feel it.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Is it going to be-- will it be weird? He's still going to be going to the same school as me. We'll be in glee club together. Will that make this worse? [It'll either make this harder or force them to deal with it. In a way there's a part of him that's glad this happened before he left for college. It gives them time to get their friendship back on track face to face. But then there's the part of him that wishes they could have just had more time.]

Yes, well duh. [He laughs a little before growing quiet. Not only did Older Kurt still have his boyfriend around this time in his life, but he was also already sexually active.] Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Maybe. I mean... There's been so many couples in glee club that have broken up and then become friends or something. Finn and Rachel, Finn and Quinn, Quinn and Sam, Artie and Tina... Just over and over, every which way. You and Blaine are both mature enough to be civil around each other. But yeah... It's probably going to suck for a while.

[Kurt gives his younger counterpart a sharp look, arching a brow.] You're not going to die a virgin, come on.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Maybe we'll be like Artie and Tina. There doesn't seem to be any hard feelings or awkwardness there anymore. They're just... friends. If we're going to be like anyone, I hope it's them. [Because he couldn't personally stand Finn and Rachel when they were just friends last year. Too much drama. Same with Finn and Quinn. Sam and Quinn, on the other hand, aren't quite as bad. But that's probably just because Sam's a nice person.] I just want to be friends with him again. I just want to be us again.

[He sits up on the bed, pulling his knees up in front of his chest as he gives Older Kurt a panicked look.] It could happen. I'm obviously not going to have sex with Blaine. Maybe I won't have sex at all. Ever.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Maybe. You'll see it's going to work out.

[Kurt puts down his brush and gives Little Kurt a full on Look.] You're not going to die a virgin, Kurt. Stop panicking. Even if you don't lose your virginity to Blaine, you're going to meet someone who's going to sweep you off your feet. Someone who's going to love you and respect you and feel like the single most amazing thing in the universe over and over again. Okay?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I hope you're right.

[He sighs miserably, giving Older Kurt a shrug. Sure what's saying is both reasonable and rational, but Kurt isn't feeling either of those things right now.] There's no way to know that. For all you know, I'll lose my mind and become a priest or something equally pointless and sexless. The point is, we don't know. Maybe I'll die tomorrow or something. I could get hit by a car and die a single virgin.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt sighs deeply, and with a quick swipe of makeup remover over his face, he rises from the vanity and walks over to the bed, sitting down next to Little Kurt. He makes sure they have eye contact before he speaks.]

If you're really that upset about it, then stop complaining and go get yourself laid right now. Take care of the problem. But something tells me you're not really that upset about it, you're just looking for something to panic over, so you'll do what we both know is the rational thing to do, and wait. Alright?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He gives Older Kurt a scandalized look.] I can't just go out and get myself laid. First of all, it's way past my curfew. Second of all, I just broke up with the one person who was actually attracted to me. And third, my first time isn't going to be with some random stranger. That's gross. [He rolls his eyes and smooths his hair off his forehead.] It's kind of rude to assume I'm looking for something to panic over. I'm not that bored.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt rolls his eyes too.] That's exactly my point, duh. Making you see that if this is something that really matters to you, you're going to wait for someone who really matters to you. Someone who's attracted to you and wants to make you feel good and who you want to be with. It's either that, or dying a virgin because you're freaking yourself out. Your choice.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He huffs out a frustrated sigh.] You don't understand. You never had to deal with the things I have to. You had your perfect first time with the sweetest guy in the world. I might never find anyone who cares about me as much or respects me as much as he did. I get to spend the rest of my senior year single, wistfully watching my perfect ex from afar, while trying to ignore the most inappropriate crush I've ever had. I have good reason to freak out. [And he's so caught up in the drama of it all that he isn't paying attention to half the stuff that comes out of his mouth.]

Maybe Finn's right. We should just throw a party when Dad and Carole go off to celebrate their anniversary.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

I've never had to deal with the things you have to, sure. Tell me that again with a straight face.

[Kurt is going to shoot down Little Kurt's implied idea about throwing a party and finding someone to take his virginity there - that's exactly what it sounds like to him - but he's biting on to one of the things he said probably without realizing it. What's this?]

Inappropriate crush?