(no subject)

[slap_the_butt]

[All in all, Kurt's relieved Thanksgiving is over. He enjoyed getting to spend that time with his family, but the truth is, all he's wanted to do lately is curl up on his bed and mope. The breakup wasn't just Blaine's idea. Kurt ultimately thought it was the best way to save their friendship too, and it ended up being a mutual decision. But it still hurts. He still feels raw and sad, and he doesn't think those feelings are going to go away for a while. There's still a part of him that wants to call Blaine up and ask to try again; Kurt ruined someone's life just so they'd have a chance to make their relationship work and this is how it ends?

But he doesn't call Blaine. He doesn't do much of anything once the holiday and Black Friday is over. He just lies in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, debating calling the girls so they can come over with comfort food. But he's not sure he's in the mood to explain things, and the room doesn't just belong to him anymore anyway, and he doesn't want to bother Older Kurt. In fact, between his recent breakup and the bizarre feelings he's been having around Older Kurt lately, he's not sure how to even look him in the eyes. Why does life have to be so complicated?] Why is this my life?

Comments

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Fine.

[Kurt arches his brow, giving Kurt an incredulous look. What on earth is he talking about? He never liked Mr. Schue like that, not at all, and here Little Kurt is telling him he's crushing on him out of the blue? It sounds suspicious.]

Mr. Schue? Since when? I guess he's kind of cute, but I've never liked him enough to crush on him. And he's got that whole butt chin thing going on.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Since recently? It's very new. He's... cute, like you said, and he's nice. He has fascinating hair and his vests are... so sexy? [He probably couldn't sound less convinced about what he's saying if he tried. The truth is, he's never thought of Mr. Schuester that and it's hard to think of reasons why he would now.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Fascinating hair and sexy vests. Kurt's expression is as deadpan as it's ever been.]

Nice try. Who is it really?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Well damn, that didn't work. He's pauses, and decides what the hell, desperate times call for desperate measures.]

It's Finn. I guess maybe it'll always be Finn. He was my first love, after all.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

M-hmm. Really. He's the one you dream about at night, is it? You long to feel his hands on your body, his lips on your neck, the thought of your stepbrother pressing up tightly behind you doesn't make you just a little bit queasy?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[The thought of Finn making him feel that way these days is ridiculous, and does make him a little queasy. But hearing those things from his actual crush's is giving him goosebumps, and he has to look away before he gives himself away.]

Y-yes, he's the one who... you know, everything you said. And of course it doesn't make me queasy. I--I knew there was a chance he'd become my step-brother when our parents started dating, but I still had feelings for him.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt isn't buying it. He doesn't really know who Little Kurt might actually be talking about, but it's not Mr. Schue, and it's definitely not Finn. But it seems like what he's saying is cracking the facade. So he's just going to keep going that route for now.]

So, you wouldn't mind feeling his hands on your stomach as he holds you from behind? Feeling his strong hands run down to your hips, squeezing, rubbing gently, slowly reaching in to unbutton your jeans while he's kissing your neck... whispering how beautiful you are, how good he's going to make you feel. That's what you want to hear from him?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt shift's uncomfortably, staring at the wall wide-eyed as Older Kurt speaks. He knows his face must be bright red by now, and he hopes Older Kurt thinks it's just because he's not used to people talking like that around him.]

I-- yes, that's what I want to hear from him. But I won't. He'll never say those things to me and mean it and he'll never touch me like that, so it doesn't matter. Finn's straight.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

And you've known that for at least a year now. So why do you still cling to that crush? [Kurt shifts a little closer, trying to make eye contact with him.] I think you're either embarrassed or scared to tell me who you're really crushing on. Why?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

The heart wants what it wants. I can't help how I feel, no matter how unlikely it is that it'll go anywhere. [He swallows nervously, his heart beating fast and hard as Older Kurt shifts closer to him. He's pretty sure he's both embarrassed and scared to tell him who his real crush is.] Trust me, you really don't want to know.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Then Kurt shifts even closer, reaching in to cup Little Kurt's cheek in his hand, trying to turn his head so he'll look at him.] Yes, I do. I truly do. I want to help you get through this, but I can't do that if you keep secrets from me. I won't judge you. Is he older? Younger? Is it a girl?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[And it's around now that Kurt wishes the crush was on anyone else, because it would be nice to have someone to talk about this to. But it's not, an he can't talk to Older Kurt about this. He just can't. And now Older Kurt is sitting close to him, cupping his cheek, and he shouldn't have butterflies in his stomach right now, but he does.] Older, but not by too many years, and it's not a girl. I'm still gay.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know, I have to explore every option since you're apparently making this a guessing game. That's good, though. That it's not a girl. [He smiles a little at his younger self, shifting closer, still cupping his cheek - which isn't strictly necessary, but he can't really make himself pull away for some reason.] Is he in college? Does he live in Lima? He has to, right?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I'm not making this a guessing game. You're making it a guessing game. But I can't believe you thought it might be a girl. [He meets Older Kurt's eyes for the first time since they started talking about this. It might be a huge mistake, because he feels like all his thoughts and feelings are suddenly right there on display.] Not at the moment and yes, he currently lives in Lima.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Given how ashamed you seem to be about this whole thing, it could have been. [Kurt blinks a little once their eyes meet, having not expected Little Kurt to look that... He doesn't even know what he looks like. Bare? Vulnerable? Insecure? Incredibly, indescribably cute..? Wait, no, what is he thinking? He swallows a little.] So he's working? What does he do?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I--I'm not ashamed. It's just that I just got out of a relationship. It isn't right that I already have feelings for someone else. [He bites his bottom lip, his face growing even warmer than before.] Not yet. He's still adjusting to Lima. He sort of just got here not long ago. But he wants to be a performer, like me.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

You can't control how you feel. I know it makes it harder, but the fact that you were just in a relationship doesn't matter if what you feel is real.

[Kurt pauses then. This... This is starting to sound strangely familiar, and he's not sure how he feels about it. The blushing, the way he's biting his lip, what he's saying about this guy he likes... It sounds like...] Kurt... What's his name? You can tell me. I won't get upset, I promise you.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

What I feel is real, but it's also a pointless waste of time. They don't feel the same way and they never will because it's extremely inappropriate.

[Kurt feels like his heart just stopped beating. For a second there it sounds almost like Older Kurt figured it out. But maybe he's just imagining things. Maybe all he has to do is toss out another name and that will be the end of this.] Rory? He's... this foreign exchange student. But I think he has a crush on Finn, so it looks like I don't have a chance.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

How is having a crush on Rory inappropriate? [Kurt shifts even closer, making sure their eyes are locked. He feels like he shouldn't miss a second of this. Because if what he's thinking about is right, their situation might actually get easier before it gets more complicated. There's something in this for both of them. And it's not really that weird.]

Don't lie to me. Please.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

...Because he's probably going back to Ireland at some point? And he's totally in love with Finn right now. [Kurt's eyes widen, and he wants desperately to look away, but he can't. There's no way Older Kurt hasn't figured it out and Kurt isn't sure what he can do to convince him it's someone else now.]

I-- Okay, fine. It's not Rory, or Finn or Mr. Schue. But I can't tell you who it is because it really is inappropriate. Really, really inappropriate. And honestly? You really do not want to know, trust me on this.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[He's definitely figured it out. If he's as easy to read as he figured he'd be, Kurt's also sure that Little Kurt now knows that he knows. But he still refuses to say it out loud, maybe out of fear of rejection, out of shame, maybe because of his own moral issues because of Blaine and Mark and everything in between. But it's obvious. Kurt sighs softly.]

Fine. You don't have to tell me. [So he decides to do probably the stupidest thing he's ever done in his life, and leans in to line his lips with Little Kurt's in a soft, warm kiss. As second kisses go, it's not too bad.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt's thinking about trying to change the subject or maybe just grabbing the phone and texting Blaine before Older Kurt can stop him. But then Older Kurt tells him he doesn't have to tell him who it is and he relaxes, thinking the matter is finally over, but then there's lips covering his own and he's being kissed. He sits there, eyes still wide with shock as Older Kurt kisses him, and it takes a while but eventually his eyes drift shut and he kisses back.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Despite all the wild butterflies in his stomach, the prickling heat on his skin he feels every time he kisses someone, Kurt is incredibly nervous he's made a terrible mistake. That he's overstepped his boundaries and taken advantage of a younger, more vulnerable self because of a stupid, mostly selfish hunch. But then he starts kissing him back, slow and almost lazy, and Kurt breathes a sigh of relief through his nose, pressing further into the kiss. His lips are very soft. Now he knows what Blaine and Mark and every other man he's been with felt when kissing him. No wonder he was popular with men, judging from this feeling alone.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt wraps his arms around Older Kurt's neck, pressing closer to him as they kiss. It feels so good, so amazing, and Kurt pretty much melts into their kiss. Older Kurt is the second person he's kissed like this just because he wanted to, no ulterior motives and no worries about getting pushed into a locker. It's just them kissing because they want to, because it feels nice, because there's a connection between them. He can tell his heart is beating even harder and louder before and if he wasn't so focused on how warm Older Kurt's lips are on his own, he'd wonder if he's the only one who can hear it.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt is wondering much of the same thing. This is kind of insane. He's kissing himself. He's pressing closer to himself and kissing himself deeper and running his hands down his own chest, younger and unmarred and less defined, but still very much his own. And it's really, really good. His heart is throbbing in his chest, he's so nervous and kind of worried, but it feels incredible and he's not about to make it stop.]