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[slap_the_butt]

[All in all, Kurt's relieved Thanksgiving is over. He enjoyed getting to spend that time with his family, but the truth is, all he's wanted to do lately is curl up on his bed and mope. The breakup wasn't just Blaine's idea. Kurt ultimately thought it was the best way to save their friendship too, and it ended up being a mutual decision. But it still hurts. He still feels raw and sad, and he doesn't think those feelings are going to go away for a while. There's still a part of him that wants to call Blaine up and ask to try again; Kurt ruined someone's life just so they'd have a chance to make their relationship work and this is how it ends?

But he doesn't call Blaine. He doesn't do much of anything once the holiday and Black Friday is over. He just lies in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, debating calling the girls so they can come over with comfort food. But he's not sure he's in the mood to explain things, and the room doesn't just belong to him anymore anyway, and he doesn't want to bother Older Kurt. In fact, between his recent breakup and the bizarre feelings he's been having around Older Kurt lately, he's not sure how to even look him in the eyes. Why does life have to be so complicated?] Why is this my life?

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[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt sighs deeply, and with a quick swipe of makeup remover over his face, he rises from the vanity and walks over to the bed, sitting down next to Little Kurt. He makes sure they have eye contact before he speaks.]

If you're really that upset about it, then stop complaining and go get yourself laid right now. Take care of the problem. But something tells me you're not really that upset about it, you're just looking for something to panic over, so you'll do what we both know is the rational thing to do, and wait. Alright?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He gives Older Kurt a scandalized look.] I can't just go out and get myself laid. First of all, it's way past my curfew. Second of all, I just broke up with the one person who was actually attracted to me. And third, my first time isn't going to be with some random stranger. That's gross. [He rolls his eyes and smooths his hair off his forehead.] It's kind of rude to assume I'm looking for something to panic over. I'm not that bored.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt rolls his eyes too.] That's exactly my point, duh. Making you see that if this is something that really matters to you, you're going to wait for someone who really matters to you. Someone who's attracted to you and wants to make you feel good and who you want to be with. It's either that, or dying a virgin because you're freaking yourself out. Your choice.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He huffs out a frustrated sigh.] You don't understand. You never had to deal with the things I have to. You had your perfect first time with the sweetest guy in the world. I might never find anyone who cares about me as much or respects me as much as he did. I get to spend the rest of my senior year single, wistfully watching my perfect ex from afar, while trying to ignore the most inappropriate crush I've ever had. I have good reason to freak out. [And he's so caught up in the drama of it all that he isn't paying attention to half the stuff that comes out of his mouth.]

Maybe Finn's right. We should just throw a party when Dad and Carole go off to celebrate their anniversary.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

I've never had to deal with the things you have to, sure. Tell me that again with a straight face.

[Kurt is going to shoot down Little Kurt's implied idea about throwing a party and finding someone to take his virginity there - that's exactly what it sounds like to him - but he's biting on to one of the things he said probably without realizing it. What's this?]

Inappropriate crush?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

You haven't. I mean, yeah, you and your Blaine broke up too, but you still had months with him I'll never have. Experiences with him that I'll never have.

[He has no intention of losing his virginity at a party, with a bunch of drunks stumbling around all over the place. He was thinking more along the lines of getting drunk with his girls and giving Rachel a much needed makeover. And hey, maybe Blaine would show up. He blinks at Older Kurt, trying to figure out how to get out of this conversation without being obvious.]

Um yeah, he's no one you'd know.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Never was a really strong word, is all.

[Kurt blinks a little, actually very eager to latch on to this particular twist. He really doesn't want to argue with Little Kurt when he's upset. But teasing him about some mystery boy is fine. It's more playful and laid back.] Of course he's someone I know. I'm you. Come on, who is it?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Fine, maybe not never. Just not the same way.

[Kurt has no idea how to get out of this. One thing he knows about himself is that he doesn't give up easily, especially when it comes to something as fun as who's into who. The fact that he called his crush inappropriate probably made it sound juicier than he intended. He goes through the list of guys he knows, trying to figure out which one would be the most believable as an inappropriate crush. He almost settles on Finn, before deciding that might be almost as awkward as who his real crush is, so he settles on someone ridiculous enough that he might be able to get away with not discussing it too much further after this.]

It's Mr. Schue.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Fine.

[Kurt arches his brow, giving Kurt an incredulous look. What on earth is he talking about? He never liked Mr. Schue like that, not at all, and here Little Kurt is telling him he's crushing on him out of the blue? It sounds suspicious.]

Mr. Schue? Since when? I guess he's kind of cute, but I've never liked him enough to crush on him. And he's got that whole butt chin thing going on.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Since recently? It's very new. He's... cute, like you said, and he's nice. He has fascinating hair and his vests are... so sexy? [He probably couldn't sound less convinced about what he's saying if he tried. The truth is, he's never thought of Mr. Schuester that and it's hard to think of reasons why he would now.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Fascinating hair and sexy vests. Kurt's expression is as deadpan as it's ever been.]

Nice try. Who is it really?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Well damn, that didn't work. He's pauses, and decides what the hell, desperate times call for desperate measures.]

It's Finn. I guess maybe it'll always be Finn. He was my first love, after all.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

M-hmm. Really. He's the one you dream about at night, is it? You long to feel his hands on your body, his lips on your neck, the thought of your stepbrother pressing up tightly behind you doesn't make you just a little bit queasy?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[The thought of Finn making him feel that way these days is ridiculous, and does make him a little queasy. But hearing those things from his actual crush's is giving him goosebumps, and he has to look away before he gives himself away.]

Y-yes, he's the one who... you know, everything you said. And of course it doesn't make me queasy. I--I knew there was a chance he'd become my step-brother when our parents started dating, but I still had feelings for him.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt isn't buying it. He doesn't really know who Little Kurt might actually be talking about, but it's not Mr. Schue, and it's definitely not Finn. But it seems like what he's saying is cracking the facade. So he's just going to keep going that route for now.]

So, you wouldn't mind feeling his hands on your stomach as he holds you from behind? Feeling his strong hands run down to your hips, squeezing, rubbing gently, slowly reaching in to unbutton your jeans while he's kissing your neck... whispering how beautiful you are, how good he's going to make you feel. That's what you want to hear from him?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Kurt shift's uncomfortably, staring at the wall wide-eyed as Older Kurt speaks. He knows his face must be bright red by now, and he hopes Older Kurt thinks it's just because he's not used to people talking like that around him.]

I-- yes, that's what I want to hear from him. But I won't. He'll never say those things to me and mean it and he'll never touch me like that, so it doesn't matter. Finn's straight.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

And you've known that for at least a year now. So why do you still cling to that crush? [Kurt shifts a little closer, trying to make eye contact with him.] I think you're either embarrassed or scared to tell me who you're really crushing on. Why?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

The heart wants what it wants. I can't help how I feel, no matter how unlikely it is that it'll go anywhere. [He swallows nervously, his heart beating fast and hard as Older Kurt shifts closer to him. He's pretty sure he's both embarrassed and scared to tell him who his real crush is.] Trust me, you really don't want to know.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Then Kurt shifts even closer, reaching in to cup Little Kurt's cheek in his hand, trying to turn his head so he'll look at him.] Yes, I do. I truly do. I want to help you get through this, but I can't do that if you keep secrets from me. I won't judge you. Is he older? Younger? Is it a girl?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[And it's around now that Kurt wishes the crush was on anyone else, because it would be nice to have someone to talk about this to. But it's not, an he can't talk to Older Kurt about this. He just can't. And now Older Kurt is sitting close to him, cupping his cheek, and he shouldn't have butterflies in his stomach right now, but he does.] Older, but not by too many years, and it's not a girl. I'm still gay.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know, I have to explore every option since you're apparently making this a guessing game. That's good, though. That it's not a girl. [He smiles a little at his younger self, shifting closer, still cupping his cheek - which isn't strictly necessary, but he can't really make himself pull away for some reason.] Is he in college? Does he live in Lima? He has to, right?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I'm not making this a guessing game. You're making it a guessing game. But I can't believe you thought it might be a girl. [He meets Older Kurt's eyes for the first time since they started talking about this. It might be a huge mistake, because he feels like all his thoughts and feelings are suddenly right there on display.] Not at the moment and yes, he currently lives in Lima.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Given how ashamed you seem to be about this whole thing, it could have been. [Kurt blinks a little once their eyes meet, having not expected Little Kurt to look that... He doesn't even know what he looks like. Bare? Vulnerable? Insecure? Incredibly, indescribably cute..? Wait, no, what is he thinking? He swallows a little.] So he's working? What does he do?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I--I'm not ashamed. It's just that I just got out of a relationship. It isn't right that I already have feelings for someone else. [He bites his bottom lip, his face growing even warmer than before.] Not yet. He's still adjusting to Lima. He sort of just got here not long ago. But he wants to be a performer, like me.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

You can't control how you feel. I know it makes it harder, but the fact that you were just in a relationship doesn't matter if what you feel is real.

[Kurt pauses then. This... This is starting to sound strangely familiar, and he's not sure how he feels about it. The blushing, the way he's biting his lip, what he's saying about this guy he likes... It sounds like...] Kurt... What's his name? You can tell me. I won't get upset, I promise you.