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[slap_the_butt]

[All in all, Kurt's relieved Thanksgiving is over. He enjoyed getting to spend that time with his family, but the truth is, all he's wanted to do lately is curl up on his bed and mope. The breakup wasn't just Blaine's idea. Kurt ultimately thought it was the best way to save their friendship too, and it ended up being a mutual decision. But it still hurts. He still feels raw and sad, and he doesn't think those feelings are going to go away for a while. There's still a part of him that wants to call Blaine up and ask to try again; Kurt ruined someone's life just so they'd have a chance to make their relationship work and this is how it ends?

But he doesn't call Blaine. He doesn't do much of anything once the holiday and Black Friday is over. He just lies in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, debating calling the girls so they can come over with comfort food. But he's not sure he's in the mood to explain things, and the room doesn't just belong to him anymore anyway, and he doesn't want to bother Older Kurt. In fact, between his recent breakup and the bizarre feelings he's been having around Older Kurt lately, he's not sure how to even look him in the eyes. Why does life have to be so complicated?] Why is this my life?

Comments

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

If you're asking about Mark, then yes. I love him like I loved Blaine. I get those same butterflies and that clenching in my chest that you get when you see Blaine. [And that's that. Kurt doesn't really want to talk about it anymore, because whenever Mark is brought up, he closes up and wants to curl up and die, much the same way Little Kurt is attempting to do right now.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Do you think you'll ever love like that again? [Because the way he lost Mark seems different, worse, and Kurt doesn't want to think he's destroyed Older Kurt's chance at love permanently. He doesn't want to have ruined it for him. If he has, then maybe this pain is exactly what he deserves. Maybe he doesn't deserve to have anyone either.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

I think I will. It's just going to take some time. [Kurt's going to turn back to the mirror now, turning his face back and forth, trying to find the right light while he picks up some more bronzer on his brush. He just can't find a look that's halfway alright. But he needs to keep focusing on it, because his throat is closing up and that painful lump is coming back.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

If you can do it, then I guess I can too. [But it still hurts to think about it. He was close to Blaine in a way he's not sure he can be with anyone else. Blaine wasn't just his boyfriend, he was his best friend too. He is his best friend. Maybe that's why it didn't work. If he had to choose between their relationship and their friendship... well, they already chose.]

Puck thinks I'll feel better if I go out and get laid. [He rolls his eyes.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Of course you can. It might just take a while. [It's going to hurt for a long time. Little Kurt isn't going to find any refuge in the thought that he'll find someone else, not until it stops hurting. And it might take months, even years before it really stops. Little Kurt's next statement kind of makes him snort a little with laughter, shaking his head at the thought.]

Puck is an asshole. [Although he'll readily admit that he'd feel much better if he went out and got laid himself. It's been way too long since he's had sex, and he's starting to feel it.]

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Is it going to be-- will it be weird? He's still going to be going to the same school as me. We'll be in glee club together. Will that make this worse? [It'll either make this harder or force them to deal with it. In a way there's a part of him that's glad this happened before he left for college. It gives them time to get their friendship back on track face to face. But then there's the part of him that wishes they could have just had more time.]

Yes, well duh. [He laughs a little before growing quiet. Not only did Older Kurt still have his boyfriend around this time in his life, but he was also already sexually active.] Oh my god, I'm going to die a virgin.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Maybe. I mean... There's been so many couples in glee club that have broken up and then become friends or something. Finn and Rachel, Finn and Quinn, Quinn and Sam, Artie and Tina... Just over and over, every which way. You and Blaine are both mature enough to be civil around each other. But yeah... It's probably going to suck for a while.

[Kurt gives his younger counterpart a sharp look, arching a brow.] You're not going to die a virgin, come on.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Maybe we'll be like Artie and Tina. There doesn't seem to be any hard feelings or awkwardness there anymore. They're just... friends. If we're going to be like anyone, I hope it's them. [Because he couldn't personally stand Finn and Rachel when they were just friends last year. Too much drama. Same with Finn and Quinn. Sam and Quinn, on the other hand, aren't quite as bad. But that's probably just because Sam's a nice person.] I just want to be friends with him again. I just want to be us again.

[He sits up on the bed, pulling his knees up in front of his chest as he gives Older Kurt a panicked look.] It could happen. I'm obviously not going to have sex with Blaine. Maybe I won't have sex at all. Ever.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Maybe. You'll see it's going to work out.

[Kurt puts down his brush and gives Little Kurt a full on Look.] You're not going to die a virgin, Kurt. Stop panicking. Even if you don't lose your virginity to Blaine, you're going to meet someone who's going to sweep you off your feet. Someone who's going to love you and respect you and feel like the single most amazing thing in the universe over and over again. Okay?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

I hope you're right.

[He sighs miserably, giving Older Kurt a shrug. Sure what's saying is both reasonable and rational, but Kurt isn't feeling either of those things right now.] There's no way to know that. For all you know, I'll lose my mind and become a priest or something equally pointless and sexless. The point is, we don't know. Maybe I'll die tomorrow or something. I could get hit by a car and die a single virgin.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt sighs deeply, and with a quick swipe of makeup remover over his face, he rises from the vanity and walks over to the bed, sitting down next to Little Kurt. He makes sure they have eye contact before he speaks.]

If you're really that upset about it, then stop complaining and go get yourself laid right now. Take care of the problem. But something tells me you're not really that upset about it, you're just looking for something to panic over, so you'll do what we both know is the rational thing to do, and wait. Alright?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He gives Older Kurt a scandalized look.] I can't just go out and get myself laid. First of all, it's way past my curfew. Second of all, I just broke up with the one person who was actually attracted to me. And third, my first time isn't going to be with some random stranger. That's gross. [He rolls his eyes and smooths his hair off his forehead.] It's kind of rude to assume I'm looking for something to panic over. I'm not that bored.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt rolls his eyes too.] That's exactly my point, duh. Making you see that if this is something that really matters to you, you're going to wait for someone who really matters to you. Someone who's attracted to you and wants to make you feel good and who you want to be with. It's either that, or dying a virgin because you're freaking yourself out. Your choice.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[He huffs out a frustrated sigh.] You don't understand. You never had to deal with the things I have to. You had your perfect first time with the sweetest guy in the world. I might never find anyone who cares about me as much or respects me as much as he did. I get to spend the rest of my senior year single, wistfully watching my perfect ex from afar, while trying to ignore the most inappropriate crush I've ever had. I have good reason to freak out. [And he's so caught up in the drama of it all that he isn't paying attention to half the stuff that comes out of his mouth.]

Maybe Finn's right. We should just throw a party when Dad and Carole go off to celebrate their anniversary.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

I've never had to deal with the things you have to, sure. Tell me that again with a straight face.

[Kurt is going to shoot down Little Kurt's implied idea about throwing a party and finding someone to take his virginity there - that's exactly what it sounds like to him - but he's biting on to one of the things he said probably without realizing it. What's this?]

Inappropriate crush?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

You haven't. I mean, yeah, you and your Blaine broke up too, but you still had months with him I'll never have. Experiences with him that I'll never have.

[He has no intention of losing his virginity at a party, with a bunch of drunks stumbling around all over the place. He was thinking more along the lines of getting drunk with his girls and giving Rachel a much needed makeover. And hey, maybe Blaine would show up. He blinks at Older Kurt, trying to figure out how to get out of this conversation without being obvious.]

Um yeah, he's no one you'd know.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Never was a really strong word, is all.

[Kurt blinks a little, actually very eager to latch on to this particular twist. He really doesn't want to argue with Little Kurt when he's upset. But teasing him about some mystery boy is fine. It's more playful and laid back.] Of course he's someone I know. I'm you. Come on, who is it?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Fine, maybe not never. Just not the same way.

[Kurt has no idea how to get out of this. One thing he knows about himself is that he doesn't give up easily, especially when it comes to something as fun as who's into who. The fact that he called his crush inappropriate probably made it sound juicier than he intended. He goes through the list of guys he knows, trying to figure out which one would be the most believable as an inappropriate crush. He almost settles on Finn, before deciding that might be almost as awkward as who his real crush is, so he settles on someone ridiculous enough that he might be able to get away with not discussing it too much further after this.]

It's Mr. Schue.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

Fine.

[Kurt arches his brow, giving Kurt an incredulous look. What on earth is he talking about? He never liked Mr. Schue like that, not at all, and here Little Kurt is telling him he's crushing on him out of the blue? It sounds suspicious.]

Mr. Schue? Since when? I guess he's kind of cute, but I've never liked him enough to crush on him. And he's got that whole butt chin thing going on.

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

Since recently? It's very new. He's... cute, like you said, and he's nice. He has fascinating hair and his vests are... so sexy? [He probably couldn't sound less convinced about what he's saying if he tried. The truth is, he's never thought of Mr. Schuester that and it's hard to think of reasons why he would now.]

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Fascinating hair and sexy vests. Kurt's expression is as deadpan as it's ever been.]

Nice try. Who is it really?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[Well damn, that didn't work. He's pauses, and decides what the hell, desperate times call for desperate measures.]

It's Finn. I guess maybe it'll always be Finn. He was my first love, after all.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

M-hmm. Really. He's the one you dream about at night, is it? You long to feel his hands on your body, his lips on your neck, the thought of your stepbrother pressing up tightly behind you doesn't make you just a little bit queasy?

[slap-the-butt.livejournal.com]

[The thought of Finn making him feel that way these days is ridiculous, and does make him a little queasy. But hearing those things from his actual crush's is giving him goosebumps, and he has to look away before he gives himself away.]

Y-yes, he's the one who... you know, everything you said. And of course it doesn't make me queasy. I--I knew there was a chance he'd become my step-brother when our parents started dating, but I still had feelings for him.

[makingculture.livejournal.com]

[Kurt isn't buying it. He doesn't really know who Little Kurt might actually be talking about, but it's not Mr. Schue, and it's definitely not Finn. But it seems like what he's saying is cracking the facade. So he's just going to keep going that route for now.]

So, you wouldn't mind feeling his hands on your stomach as he holds you from behind? Feeling his strong hands run down to your hips, squeezing, rubbing gently, slowly reaching in to unbutton your jeans while he's kissing your neck... whispering how beautiful you are, how good he's going to make you feel. That's what you want to hear from him?